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Humor Department

Guest blackmercs

By Guest blackmercs,
in The 3 Pointed Star Bar

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Guest 9339

Guest 9339

Posted
Posted

某人骑车，听见一个路人在狂吼：go，go，go……心想，妈的我也会唱：ole ole ole 哦……话音未落，一头栽进沟里。路人骂道：妈的!告诉你沟沟沟，你还骑？!摔死活该

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Guest NewC180

Guest NewC180

Posted
Posted

While walking down the street one day a MP is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

The MP's soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem.

We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so

we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the MP.

St. Peter says, "Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What

we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can

choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven, I'm already dressed

in white." says the MP.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules", replies St.Peter.

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down,

down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green

golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are

all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake

his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at

the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine

on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good

time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before

he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St.Peter

is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit heaven," St Peter says.

So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from

cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and the

24 hours in heaven passes by and St Peter returns.

"Well, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now which will you

choose for your eternity?" St Peter asks.

The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers, "Well, I never would have

thought it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be

happier and better off .. in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to

hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land

covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting

it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The Devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.

"I don't understand," stammers the MP. "Yesterday I was here and there was a

golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne,

and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of

garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning..

Today .. you have voted."

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Guest chiaster

Guest chiaster

Posted
Posted

I went to bedok stadium today and listened to PAP campaigning at East Coast GRC...

Vote wisely!

:bounce:

NewC180 wrote:

"Yesterday we were campaigning..

Today .. you have voted."

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Guest 6008

Guest 6008

Posted
Posted

chiaster wrote:

I went to bedok stadium today and listened to PAP campaigning at East Coast GRC...

Vote wisely!

:bounce:

So how ? Did you enjoy ? Did you hear what you wished to hear ?

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Guest chiaster

Guest chiaster

Posted
Posted

Yes, Sir!

:bounce:

kepiting1sg wrote:

REMINDER!!!!!

Please keep Politics especially Singapore Politics or the coming Elections out of this forum!

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Guest blackmercs

Guest blackmercs

Posted
Posted

Why can I relate to this?

My 1 day of employment!

After landing my new job as a B&Q greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day. Why?

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly,

'Good morning and welcome to B&Q, nice children you have there, are they twins?'

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say,

'Hell no, they ain't twins, the oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7!

Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'

So I replied,

'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe that someone would want to shag you twice..?

Have a good day and thank you for shopping at B&Q.'

My supervisor said It probably wasn't the right job for me.

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Guest blackmercs

Guest blackmercs

Posted
Posted

grandma's 100th birthday

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she would write notes when she needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.

Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, "Hi, Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?"

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew...

"Bastards won't let me fart."

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Guest blackmercs

Guest blackmercs

Posted
Posted

A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint

when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, "Hey Koala!

What are you doing?"

The koala said, "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."

So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints.After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was dry and that he was going to get a drink from the river.

The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river. A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, "What's the matter with you?"

The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile said that he had to check this out, walked into the rain forest and found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said,

"Hey you!"

The koala looked down at him and said,

"Shit........ dude...

How much water did you drink?!"

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Guest lightning

Guest lightning

Posted
Posted

Confucius was asked, "Why is it that when a woman sleeps with 3 different men, she is called a bad woman.

But when a man sleeps with 10 different women, he is called a real man?" :thumb:

Confucius replied, "When a lock can be opened by 3 different keys, it is called a bad lock. But when 10 different locks can be opened by one key, it is called a Master key". :first:

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Guest desmondtoo

Guest desmondtoo

Posted
Posted

Just saw this on TV - Heidi Klum's "Seriously Funny Kid".

Question: "Why does Chicken coop has only 2 doors?"

Answer: If it has 4 doors, then it will be called Chicken Sedan!:lol:

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Guest lightning

Guest lightning

Posted
Posted

desmondtoo wrote:

Just saw this on TV - Heidi Klum's "Seriously Funny Kid".

Question: "Why does Chicken coop has only 2 doors?"

Answer: If it has 4 doors, then it will be called Chicken Sedan!:lol:

hahaha...what about Chicken Cabriolet? :bounce:

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