Humor Department

[Guest blackmercs]

This thread for u guys to share yr jokes.

Here is my contribution :-

The Hotel Bill

An elderly lady decided to give herself a big treat for her significant 70th birthday by staying overnight in one of London's most expensive hotels.

When she checked out next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for £250.00.

She exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high. "It's a nice hotel but the rooms certainly aren't worth £250.00 for just an overnight stop without even breakfast."

The clerk told her that £250.00 is the 'standard rate', so she insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced: "The hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre which are available for use."

'But I didn't use them," she said.

'Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.

He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from Edinburgh, Glasgow, and Aberdeen performing here," the Manager said.

"But I didn't go to any of those shows," she said.

"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!" and the Manager countered with his standard response.

After several minutes discussion with the Manager unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a cheque and gave it to him.

The Manager was surprised when he looked at the cheque. "But madam, this cheque is for only £50.00."

"That's correct. I charged you £200.00 for sleeping with me," she replied.

"But I didn't!" exclaims the very surprised Manager.

"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."

Don't mess with Senior Citizens

[Guest lightning]

Continue from this thread...my contribution :becky:

Chinese Doctor vs Western Doctor

While in China, an Australian man was very sexually promiscuous and did not use a condom at all.

A week after arriving back home in Sydney, he woke one morning to find his penis covered with purple spots. Horrified, he immediately went to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, ordered some tests and told the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returned a couple of days later and the doctor said, 'I've got bad news for you - you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it.'

The man looked a little perplexed and said: 'Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.'

The doctor answered: 'I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis.'

The man screamed in horror, 'Absolutely not! I want a second opinion.'

The doctor replied: 'Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only option.'

The next day the man found a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'd know more about the disease.

The Chinese doctor examined his penis and proclaimed, 'Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Very rare disease.'

The guy said to the doctor, 'Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can we do? My Australian doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!'

The Chinese doctor shook his head and laughed. 'Stupid Australian doctor, always want to operate. Make more money that way. No need to operate!'

'Oh, Thank God!' the man replied.

'Yes,' says the Chinese doctor, 'You no worry! Wait two weeks. Fall off by itself!'

[Guest desmondtoo]

Cut & Paste from FaceBk's feed:

Mike Chua

I told someone Thor has a hammer.. The reply I got was, "what is he doing with a hanger???" haha.. Damn hilarious la...

11 hours ago via iPhone · Like ·

3 people like this.

Michael Ma Lup Hoe U saw the movie? Was it any good?

10 hours ago · Like

Mike Chua Not yet le.. But I should be watching whether he holds a hammer or a hanger hahaha...

10 hours ago · Like

Desmond Too He got hearing problem...or you got problem pronouncing hammer...maybe the hanger for his suit when he's off-duty...Muahahaha!!!

8 hours ago · Like

Chong Shean Chin Didn't know Thor is WP.

52 minutes ago · Like

[Guest blackmercs]

There's this guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink. He sits there, staring at his drink like that for over an hour when this big trouble-making truck driver steps up next to him, takes the guy's drink from the bar, and knocks it back in one.

The poor man starts crying.

The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink... I just can't stand to see a grown man crying."

"No, it's not that" he replied, "Today day is the worst of my life. First, I overslept and was late to an important meeting. My boss, completely without warning, fired me. When I left the building, I got to the car-park only to find my car had been stolen. The police, they said that with no CCTV, there's nothing they can do. I got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my whole wallet in the cab. I got home only to find my wife was in bed with the gardener. I left home and came to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my bloody poison ..."

[Guest 6008]

More please !

[Guest blackmercs]

6008 wrote:

More please !

u want to "more"? Must pay hor!!

[Guest lightning]

6008 wrote:

More please !

Bro 6008...This one I give you FREE lah...

Starting with the end in mind.............

* INDIAN BUSINESS SCHOOL .....

Rajpat (father): I want you to marry a girl of my choice.

Son: 'I will choose my own bride!!!

' Rajpat: 'But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter..

' Son: 'Well, in that case... ok'

*Next Rajpat approaches Bill Gates.*

Rajpat: 'I have a husband for your daughter....

' Bill Gates: 'But my daughter is too young to marry!!!!!

' Rajpat: 'But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank.

' Bill Gates: 'Ah, in that case... ok'

*Finally Rajpat goes to see the president of the World Bank.*

Rajpat: 'I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president.

' President: 'But I already have more vice- presidents than I need!

' Rajpat: 'But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law.

' President: 'Ah, in that case... ok'

[Guest 6008]

blackmercs wrote:

u want to "more"? Must pay hor!!

Wah . Need $ ahh ? When I have time I will contribute some . But my jokes mostly lewd jokes . Can take it or not ?

[Guest 6008]

Bro Lightning , thanks for the free one . You not " lui bin " bro blacky " lui bin " leh . Hehe.....

[Guest blackmercs]

6008 wrote:

Bro Lightning , thanks for the free one . You not " lui bin " bro blacky " lui bin " leh . Hehe.....

Bor pian leh. Boh lui lan kian lui.

[Guest 6008]

blackmercs wrote:

Bor pian leh. Boh lui lan kian lui.

Ok lah . Pay you on gtg lah .

[Guest NewC180]

Lessons in Logic

I was born intelligent -

Education ruined me.

.............................................................

Practice makes perfect.....

But nobody's perfect......

So why practice?

................................................................

If it's true that we are here to help others,

Then what exactly are the others here for?

..............................................................

Since light travels faster than sound,

People appear bright until you hear them speak.

............................................................

How come "abbreviated" is such a long word?

................................................................

Money is not everything.

There's Mastercard & Visa.

.............................................................

If your father is a poor man,

It is your fate but,

If your father-in-law is a poor man,

It's your stupidity.

........................................................

Behind every successful man, there is a woman

And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two woman.

............................................................

Every man should marry.

After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.

.......................................................

The wise never marry.

And when they marry they become otherwise.

........................................................

Success is a relative term.

It brings so many relatives.

........................................................

Never put off the work till tomorrow

What you can put off today.

................................................................

"Your future depends on your dreams"

So go to sleep

.............................................................

There should be a better way to start a day

Than waking up every morning

...........................................................

"Hard work never killed anybody"

But why take the risk

............................................................

"Work fascinates me"

I can look at it for hours

.............................................................

God made relatives;

Thank God we can choose our friends.

..........................................................

The more you learn, the more you know,

The more you know, the more you forget

The more you forget, the less you know

So.. Why learn.

........................................................

A bus station is where a bus stops.

A train station is where a train stops.

On my desk, I have a work station....

What more can I say........

.

[Guest NewC180]

Released by Society for Prevention of Cruelty to Husbands.

Different Phases of a man:

After engagement: Superman

After Marriage: Gentleman

After 10 years: Watchman

After 20 years: Doberman

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------

There is only one perfect child in the world and every Mother has it.

There is only one perfect wife in the world and every Neighbour has it

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

Prospective husband: Do you have a book called "Man, The Master of Women"?

Sales girl: The fiction department is on the other side, sir.

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

The world's thinnest book has only one word written in it: "Everything" ;

and the book is titled: "What Women Want!"

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

A man who surrenders when he's WRONG, is HONEST.

A man who surrenders when he's NOT SURE, is WISE.

A man who surrenders when he's RIGHT, is a HUSBAND

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

Man receives telegram: Wife dead - should be buried or Cremated?

Man: Don't take any chances. Burn the body and bury the ash.

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

Q: Why dogs don't marry?

A: Because they are already leading a dog's life!

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

Fact of life: One woman brings you into this world crying &

The other ensures you continue to do so for the rest of your Life!

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

Q: Why doesn't law permit a man to marry a second Woman?

A: Because as per law you cannot be punished twice for the Same offence

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

Man: I want a divorce. My wife hasn't spoken to me in six months.

Lawyer: Better think it over. Wives like that are hard to get!

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- -------

The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother & said,

"I've found a man just like father!"

Mother replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"

.

[Guest NewC180]

An old Italian man lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual

tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote

a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,

I'm feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato

garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know

if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig

the plot for me, like in the old days.

Love,

Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Pop,

Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.

Love,

Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the

entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now.

That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love,

Vinnie

.

[Guest NewC180]

Two women were playing golf...One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

He replied: 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!'

.

[Guest 6008]

Hey bro Newc180 , you are great ! :thumb::clap2:

[Guest jtang]

Allow me to join the fun..

Forgetful Actor

'

There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines. After many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.

'

The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage at the opening carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."

The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he's practicing hi s line over and over again.

Finally, the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and using just one finger he delivered the line, "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."

The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming!

"You bloody fool!" he cried, "You have ruined me!"

The actor was bewildered, "What happened, did I forget my line?"

"No!" screamed the director. "You forgot the rose!"

[Guest jtang]

another one...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Question from Mr. Banta Singh to Mr. Bill Gates:

Microsoft's Bill Gates decided not to invest further in Punjab after receiving a letter from Mr Banta Singh . To : Bill Gates, Microsoft

From : Banta Singh of Punjab

Date : 1 April 2010

Subject : Problems with my new computer

Dear Mr. Bill Gates,

We bought a computer for our home and we have found some problems, which I want to bring to your notice.

1. There is a button 'start' but there is no 'stop' button. We request you to check this.

2. One doubt is whether any 're-scooter' is available in system? I find only 're-cycle', but I own a scooter at my home.

3. There is 'Find' button but it is not working. My wife lost the door key and we tried a lot to trace the key with this ' find 'button, but was unable to trace. Please rectify this problem.

4. My child learnt 'Microsoft word' now he wants to learn 'Microsoft sentence', so when you will provide that?

5. I bought computer, CPU, mouse and keyboard, but there is only one icon which shows 'My Computer': when you will provide the remaining items?

6. It is surprising that windows says 'MY Pictures' but there is not even a single photo of mine. So when will you keep my photo in that.

7. There is 'MICROSOFT OFFICE' what about 'MICROSOFT HOME' since I use the PC at home only.

8. You provide 'My Recent Documents'. When you will provide 'My Past Documents'?

9. You provide 'My Network Places' For God sake please do not provide 'My Secret Places'. I do not want to let my wife know where I go after my office hours.

Regards, Banta

Last one Mr. Bill Gates

P.S: "? Sir, how is it that your name is Gates but you are selling

WINDOWS ?"

[Guest jtang]

This one's for bro 6008...

An elderly man named Pat owned a large farm in Kentucky for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts with some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond as he hadn't been there for a while to look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. When he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young nubile women skinny-dipping in his pond ...

He made the women aware of his presence whereupon they made a flap and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "we're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked ..."

Holding the bucket up he said, "... I'm here to feed the alligator."

Some old men like Pat can still think fast

[Guest jtang]

This one's for blackmercs...

Woman to man: "Those aren't paddleshifts, those are my ears, flicking them will not make me go faster"

LOL! Left ear to slow down, Right ear to speed up.

[Guest 6008]

jtang wrote:

This one's for blackmercs...

Woman to man: "Those aren't paddleshifts, those are my ears, flicking them will not make me go faster"

LOL! Left ear to slow down, Right ear to speed up.

Bro Jtang ! Welcome back ! Are you joining us on the 30th ?

[Guest 6008]

There was a low IQ man name Nerd , he lives with his parents while his greedy grandma lives next door . He was abt to get married soon but he kept complaining to his father abt don't know what to do with his wife to be after their marriage .

A few days before his wedding , his father gave him $150 and told him to try out a hooker who was staying few houses away . His father had instructed that hooker to teach him the birds and the bees .

After taking instructions from his father he went out . As he was passing his grandma's place , granny asked him " where are you going ? " Nerd told grandma abt his father's instructions and she said ; " why spend money on hooker ? Grandma will teach you ." she took the $150 and taught Nerd birds and bees in her house with practical experiments .

Nerd went home after abt 2 hrs and saw his father .

Father asked ; " how was it ? Shiok ? "

Nerd answered ; " Wow , grandma did a great job teaching me all those moves "

Father : What ? you did that with your grandmother ? How can you f#&K my mother ???

Nerd : Dad , you can f#&k my mother so why i cannot f#&k yours ????? :bounce:

[Guest blackmercs]

An Aussie, a sheep and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck.

They found themselves stranded on a desert island. After being there for a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down. One particular evening the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the Aussie. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the Aussie took his arm from around the sheep. After that the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful the Aussie had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health. When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to the evening ritual. It was another beautiful evening, red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the Aussie started to get ?those feelings? again. He fought them as long as he could, but finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman cautiously, and whispered in her ear 'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'

[Guest jtang]

A couple was invited to a swanky costume party. The Mrs. got a

terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.

He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was

going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his

good time being spoiled by not going.

So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping

soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still

early, decided to go the party.

Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she

would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when

she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on

the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, and copping a

little feel here and a little kiss there.

His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself,

he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the

new babe that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.

Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed.

So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put

the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation

he would make for his behaviour.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of

a time he had. He said: "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never

have a good time when you're not there."

- "Did you dance much ?"

- "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I

met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and

played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what

happened to the guy I loaned my costume to...."

[Guest blackmercs]

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and

while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place.

The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs

some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the pool table,

grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey

just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off

my pool table - whole!" says the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats

everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball

and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with

him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the

bar again.

While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry

on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and

eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey

did now?"

"Now what?" asks the patron.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it

out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still

eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball

he measures everything first!"